Riddles, Puzzles & Jokes
Hey there. If I promised any of you anything, you're not getting it, so stop mauling me when I try to get my groceries please, thank you. To start this issue off, we have a collaboration of Women Jokes. If you're going to find them offensive, just don't read them por favor. Next we have The Clown Joke by Gillis, Jokes Aplenty by Falcon, and A Day of Golf by Finisterra. Then, ZacharyB and Annabeth will be posting their riddles (Zach's Ridiculous #6 and Annabeth's Riddles respectively).That will wrap up the Riddles, Puzzles, and Jokes section for this edition, have (or hope you're having) a great autumn everyone.
ZacharyB
Women Jokes - A collaboration
By Po22:
Women's rights.
By Topdog:
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says, "So she would love you."
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, she's already been told twice...
Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?
Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she was a woman.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.
By Gillis:
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
It doesn't matter, they can't change shizzle.
How do you get your dishwasher to clean your house? Give her a broom.
By Lilshu:
Why are all women jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them.
[ Back to top ]
The Clown Joke - By: Gillis
Johnny is poor and has been all his life. He doesn't mind it much, except for the fact that every year when the circus comes to town, he never gets to see it. The years pass and every year he watches the circus come and go with a tear in his eye. Then one year as the circus is leaving, he snaps. "fudge it," he says." I'm going to get myself a job so I can see the circus."
The next day he applies for a job at a supermarket stacking shelves. He gets this job and works his heart out. He works every night stacking shelves, earning money. He spends very little, and saves heaps. He is the best worker the supermarket has ever seen. A year passes, and the circus comes to town.
As soon as the gates to the circus open, Johnny races up, first in line to buy a ticket. the excitement overwhelms him. He walks around the circus. He sees the animals, the freak show, buys a hot dog, plays on the clowns. And then he sees it, what he's been waiting for all these years...The Big Top.
Johnny races into the tent and takes a seat. Pretty soon the tent fills up and the show begins. It's a packed house and the buzz is electric. The dancing horses come out, then the elephants, then everyone's favorite, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."
All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is ecstatic, he nearly shits his pants with excitement. He can't believe his luck. The head clown comes up to him and says..
"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"
"No." Johnny replies.
"Are you the horse's ear?"
"No"
"Are you the horse's tail?"
"No"
"Then you must be the horse's ASS!!!!"
And then whole tent erupts into fits of laughter all of Johnny's expense. Everyone is laughing, except for Johnny. He's as pissed as fudge. He vows then and there that next year, when the circus comes to town, he'll get his revenge on the clown.
As he's walking home, still fuming from the humiliation that the clown caused, Johnny thinks of ways that he can get back at the clown. Death, violence, poisoning....and then it hits him. Johnny will give the clown a taste of his own medicine. Next year, Johnny will blast the clown with the biggest insult ever!
The next morning Johnny flips through the phone book looking for someone who can help him with his revenge. Then he finds an ad.
INSULT SCHOOL
Sick of being picked on? Come to our school and soon you'll be verbally attacking people with vigor!
'This is just what I need!!!" says Johnny. So he rings up the school and enrolls the next day.
So every day Johnny goes to the insult school, studying hard so he can learn the best and most harsh insult so he can get back at the clown. On top of this, he still stacks shelves at the supermarket to get the money for the circus. Day in, day out Johnny works his ass off.
Then his day arrives...
As soon as the circus opens it's gates Johnny barges to the front of the line, pushing people out of his way. No longer is he a kind, considerate man. He's a pissed off m.f. hell bent on revenge. He give the ticket seller the money, snatches the ticket and storms off.
He sees all the regular stuff. The animals, the freaks, the clowns. He's so excited that he goes into the Big Top an hour before the show starts, just so he can get a good seat. The tent begins to fill up and the show starts...
The dancing horses come out, Johnny yawns. Then the elephants, Johnny tries to stay awake. And then the act Johnny has waited a year for, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. Johnny wonders why everyone is laughing, it's the same shizzle they did last year. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone, exactly the same as last year, and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."
All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it again, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is sits cool, calm and collected. The head clown comes up to him and says..
"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"
"No." Johnny replies.
"Are you the horse's ear?"
"No"
"Are you the horse's tail?"
"No"
"Then you must be the horse's ASS!!!!"
And again the whole tent erupts with laughter. Except for Johnny. He sits there staring straight at the clown, a look of pure evil and hate on his face. The laughter quickly dies down as everyone knows something is going to happen. The crowd watched. This is Johnny's moment. He takes a deep breath, looks at the clown and says...
"FUDGE YOU, CLOWN!"
[ Back to top ]
Jokes Aplenty - By: Falcon
The Airport Mishap
Originally Written by: Douglas Adams
Edited, Titled, and Simplified by: Falcon
Story Type: True Story
A friend of mine, returning to America from a long stay in Europe, found herself with some time to spare at London’s Heathrow Airport. Buying a cup of coffee and a small package of cookies, she staggered, weighed down with luggage, to an unoccupied table. She was reading the morning paper when she became aware of someone rustling at her table. From behind her paper, she was appalled to see a neatly dressed young man helping himself to one of her cookies. She didn’t want to make a scene, so she leaned across and took a cookie herself. A minute or so passed. More rustling. He was helping himself to another cookie.
By the time they were down to the last cookie in the package, she was very angry but still could not bring herself to say anything. Then the young man broke the cookie in two, pushed half across to her, ate the other half and left.
Some time later, when the public-address system called for her to present her ticket, she was still fuming. Imagine her embarrassment when she opened her handbag to retrieve her ticked and was confronted by her package of cookies. She had been eating his.
A Fun Game
Written by: Falcon
One fine summer day, Daniel and his dad were playing a game of Frisbee out in the front lawn. When it started to get dark and the bugs began to come out, Daniel and his dad wrapped up their game and headed inside. Wiping the sweat from his face, Daniel exclaimed, “Man, that game went by fast!”
“Yep, time sure flies when you’re having fun, doesn’t it Danny.” his dad replied
“Well, dad… it’s kind of the other way around for me.” Daniel says as he heads back to his room to play video games.
A Day of Gold and a Side of Sin
Written by: Falcon
Inspired by: A teacher of mine
One day, a salesman was out golfing with a nun of their town to try and to tell her about a new air conditioning system that would benefit her convent. After lining up his put, he took a shot, missed, and said with annoyance “God dammit, I missed.” After hearing him say this, the nun advised him to watch his mouth, or god would strike him down. Not sharing the same beliefs, he pushes her comment aside and goes to pick up his golf ball. After some time, the two golfers ended up at the next putting hole and just like the first time, the salesman lined up his put, took the shot, and missed. Getting a bit angry this time, he exclaims, in a rather loud voice, “God dammit, I missed!” After her shock at hearing this for the second time, the nun curtly tells the man she is sure that if he said such an offensive thing again, the lord would strike him down. Turning towards her, he makes it quite plain that he thinks everything she is saying is complete baloney and that she should not be talking about his behavior when they were on a business outing. A bit shaken, they both arrive at the last hole. After precisely lining up his shot so he was sure he would not miss, the salesman taps the ball towards the hole. It was a beautiful shot, gliding right towards its target until a slight breeze blew it to the left, causing it to miss the hole by just an inch. Throwing his club down in fury, the salesman screams “GOD DAMMIT, I MISSED!” After his colossal outburst, a dark cloud emerges above the two golfers and a rumble of thunder makes the ground shiver. Suddenly, a huge bold of lightning comes down from the sky and strikes the spot where the nun is standing. After the cloud of smoke clears and only a small crater remains where nun had been standing, only moments ago, a huge, rumbling voice bellows from the sky, “GOD DAMMIT, I MISSED!”
[ Back to top ]
A Day of Golf- By: Finisterra
One day, four friends who hadn't met up in years decided to go play golf. After an intense game, they went to the bar to get some drinks. They started chatting about their family. A few minutes and drinks passed, and one of them had to go to the washroom.
Meanwhile, the other three men were talking about their sons.
One of them said: "I have a son who is the CEO of an airline, and he gave his friend a free trip to Hawaii."
The man who was sitting next to him said: "Well, my son works at a car dealer, and he is so rich he gave a car as a gift to one of his friends."
The last man there said: "My son works at a real state agency, and he gave a house to his mate for free."
Finally the man who went to the washroom came back. It was his turn to talk about his son, and he said: "My son is gay, and he has had three boyfriends. One of them gave him a trip to Hawaii, another one a car, and the last one a house."
[ Back to top ]
Zach's Ridiculous Riddles#6- By: ZacharyB
What asks no questions, but needs an answer?
Highlight for answer: A telephone.
A woman was horrified to find a fly in her tea. The waiter took her cup, and returned to the kitchen. When he came back with a fresh cup of tea, she said, "You brought me the same cup of tea!" How did she know?
Highlight for answer: She had put sugar in her tea. When she drank it, it was already sweet.
For some, I go too fast.
For others I go too slow.
For most, I am an obsession.
Relying on me is a well practiced lesson.
What am I?
Highlight for answer: Time
[ Back to top ]
Annabeth's Riddles - By: Rachel Elizabeth Dare
What is the correct pronunciation of the capital of Missouri: Saint Louie or Saint Lewis?
Highlight for answer: Neither is correct because the capital of Missouri is Jefferson City.
Which word(s) are not spelled correctly?
answer
signature
browse
February
Highlight for answer: All of them. Answer, signature, browse, and February are not spelled C-O-R-R-E-C-T-L-Y.
An old man was given a challenge: if he could eat a bowl of Ramen noodles without using his hands, he could win $5,000,000! He also had to somehow use chopsticks, and not just slurp it down with his mouth.
5 minutes later and 36 seconds, he beat the challenge and won that $5,000,000.
How did he do it?
Highlight for answer: Somebody else fed it to him. Duh.
Solve this problem. First calculate 100 + 50. Next, divide your answer by five. Finally, add 4 to your number. What would the number be?
Highlight for answer: 304, 340, or 430. Well, I did say add 4 to your number! Did you get it?
How can all of your cousins have the same aunt who is not your aunt?
Highlight for answer: Your mom is their aunt.
The Pope has it but he does not use it.
Your father has it but your mother uses it.
Nuns do not need it.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox's is quite small.
What is it?
Highlight for answer: A surname/last name. ;) I bet you thought it was something else, eh?
[ Back to top ]