Rules to Remember on Halloween - By: Mrcsupertrain

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, you should be very concerned. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.
6. Generally, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HECK OUT!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also, note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, run for your life!
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.
19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. In addition, carry a flashlight, not a candle.
20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.
21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.

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Ultima's Stand-up Corner - By: Ultima4959882

Secrets to a Solid Marriage:

1. It's important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It's important to find a woman who makes lots of money.
3. It's important to find a woman who enjoys beer, footy, and lets you stay out all night with your mates.
4. It's important that these three women NEVER meet!

Q: What did the Irishman get on his I.Q test?
A: Drool!

Jesus Stoner:
Jesus saw a crowd of people that were chasing a woman to stone her. He approached them. "What's going on here?" he asked. "This woman was found guilty of adultery, and the law clearly states that we should punish her by stoning her to death," one of the crowd members said. "Wait," yelled Jesus, "let he who is without sin cast the first stone!" Suddenly, a rock flew through the air and knocked the woman on the side of the head, knocking her out. Jesus cried, " Aww, Come on, Dad, I'm trying to make a point here!"

Nine Lives:
Q: How do you get a cat to go woof?
A: Soak it in petrol and light a match...

Wife Escape:
Cops follow a speeding car at 35 miles. When they eventually catch up to the car, it is only 5 minutes from the end of their shift. They are only 1km away from their homes. They tell the criminal that if he comes up with an excuse that they have never heard before, they'll let him go with a caution to save them from having to take him back to the station and fill out all the forms. The man thinks for a while before saying, "Two weeks ago, my wife ran off with a cop, I thought you were returning her."

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Murder Mystery - By: Natus Lumen

The Objective: Your goal is quite simply to determine the identity of the culprit of the crime described below. When you think you know who committed the crime and how they did so, PM me, Natus Lumen, with your theory. Don’t just name the culprit, tell me how they did it. This is to prevent random guesses being accepted as correct. Note, however, that I may not give a motive for the crime, and you don’t have to either, unless it is very clearly evident. Next issue, I’ll give the solution, as well as announcing the first three people to solve it. I will also be keeping track of cumulative standings, so try it every issue.

The Rules: The rules are simple. Don’t collaborate with other Sal’s members. The idea is that this is an individual competition. If you need clarification on some point, you can PM me, but that’s no guarantee I’ll tell you much. If I was as clear as I wanted to be, then I’ll tell you so. This is supposed to test your mind. Outside research may be required for some pieces of information, and I would imagine that you’ll be able to find 95% of it on Wikipedia. However, I do enjoy obscure details, so Wikipedia may not always suffice. The difficulty level of these cases will naturally oscillate, but I tried to start it off fairly simply.
Now, on to the case.

A Costume Ball Killing

On Halloween night, you are attending a costume party at the large country estate of your wealthy friend. The party is scheduled to end at midnight, but a small group of 6 people, including yourself, will be staying overnight. Being a fan of the work of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, you naturally show up in the coat and hat of Sherlock Holmes. About a hundred people are in attendance, and as you enter the mansion, you take note of some of the more eccentric costumes, including a tall man with blue skin and a starched white shirt (who you recognize as your good friend Alan – one of the 6 people staying at the mansion overnight) and someone who appears to be wearing nothing but an overly large orange parka. You cross the room and ask Alan what the deal is with his costume. “I’m Grand Admiral Thrawn,” he replies. At your blank look, he rolls his eyes and elaborates, “he’s a character from the Star Wars EU. He’s about as brilliant as your little Sherlock Holmes hero there.” You manage to reply with a brief “Oookay” before he is called away by someone you don’t recognize. Still puzzled as to why someone would go to the extent of painting all of their skin blue for one night, you wander the hall and mingle with the other guests for a while before running into your hosts, Richard and his wife Catherine. Dressed as Napoleon and Josephine, respectively, the three of you compliment each other on the accuracy of your costumes and make a few jokes about those of some of the other guests.

Soon enough midnight comes, and most of the guests head home. After spending about 20 minutes doing some minor cleaning in the ballroom, the 6 of you staying overnight gather in Richard’s study. Aside from yourself, Alan, Richard, and Catherine, all still in your costumes, your friends Jonathan and Jessica soon enter the room. They have both already changed into more casual clothes. Alan suggests that this would be a good time for the 4 of you to go change. As you leave the room, a freak thunderstorm hits the house, with rain pounding on the windows and loud claps of thunder, making holding a conversation difficult. Several minutes later, you reenter the study dressed in casual clothes. Jonathan and Richard are the only other ones present. Catherine reappears a couple minutes later. Wondering at Jessica’s absence, considering she was already out of her costume, you ask where she went. Catherine responds “Oh, she just went to bed about 5 minutes ago. Something about some medication she had to take. I didn’t pry, she looked really tired.” Richard comments that she didn’t look tired even 10 minutes earlier, but Catherine just shrugs. He then asks where Alan ran off to. “Didn’t you see that ridiculous paint he had on?” Jonathan says. “I bet that’ll take him a good half hour to clean off!” Sure enough, about 15 minutes later, Alan shows up, his face devoid of any blue paint. The 5 of you discuss the latest news and politics for about 2 hours before you all turn in. Because of the placement of the bedrooms (all on the second floor), you take the bedroom opposite the one occupied by Jessica in the east wing, with Jonathan and Alan in the west wing, and Richard and Catherine in the master bedroom situated in the center of the second floor.

At about 5:30 AM, you are awakened by a gunshot from across the hall. You bolt upright and rush across the hall, throwing open the door to Jessica’s room. When you enter, you see Jessica lying in her bed, her face covered in blood. You check her pulse, but she’s already dead. You also notice that the window on the north wall is wide open. Running over and peering outside, you see a ladder leaning against the wall directly beneath the window. Realizing that you won’t be able to catch the killer by following him out the window, you step back out into the hallway as Richard and Catherine arrive. You explain the situation to them, and Richard heads back to the master bedroom to call the police. Jonathan and Alan soon arrive from the other end of the house. You reenter the room and, being careful not to touch anything, closely examine the body. The bed’s headboard is against the east wall, with the door on the south wall. Rigor mortis has yet to set in. The bullet entered just above Jessica’s left eye and exited at the base of the skull on the right side. Interestingly, you see no splintering of the headboard along the bullet’s trajectory. There is also less blood spatter on the headboard than would be expected from such a murder. Richard comes back into the room and tells you that the phone lines are down, and that they were probably taken out by the thunderstorm (he says it has happened once or twice before). Being about one hour away from the city and any reliable police officers, you realize that you are completely on your own for this case. You take a look around the rest of the room, and see a bullet casing on the ground near the open window. You drop to the ground and look around. You see a small metal glint under the bed’s southwest corner (the one nearest the door), which turns out to be a second bullet casing. In the northeast corner of the room, you can make out four indentations in the carpet, as if something had stood there for some time. While taking a second look at the body and the bed’s headboard from the room’s northeast corner, you notice a red smear behind the dresser on the other side of the bed. You pull it out slightly and can clearly make out blood smear on the wall, starting at about chest level and trailing down to the floor.

Having a fairly clear idea of what happened, but still completely unable to tell who did it, you excuse yourself and walk to the bathroom. Upon entering, you find the light bulb to be burnt out, so you head to the other wing and use that bathroom. You open the medicine cabinet to find an aspirin, and an orange bottle falls out. You pick it up and notice that it’s a standard prescription bottle, almost empty. It’s labeled “Dantrolene,” and you notice a few purple smudges on the back of the bottle, but they don’t appear to be much more than odd discolorations. You can clearly tell that there are no fingerprint ridges on the smudges, so you dismiss it as irrelevant. You return to Jessica’s room, where everyone is still gathered, looking nervously at each other. Curious about a few details, you ask Richard to use his computer. He agrees, and escorts you down to his study. Luckily, his computer’s cable internet connection is still working, and you run a few searches on Google to try and tie up some loose ends. Further inspired by your results, you ask Richard, who is a doctor by profession, a single question. He answers in the affirmative, and all the pieces fall into the place. The two of you return to Jessica’s room. Easily getting everyone’s attention, you start talking. “I know who killed her,” you say, “and I must confess, I have no idea why this person did so. The evidence, however, is nearly undeniable. Jessica’s murderer is…”

Who? Well, you tell me. I did try to keep this one fairly easy, so good luck.

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Distribute To All Employees - By: Jamster

Attention: All personnel.
Subject: Excessive Absences

Due to excessive absences recently, the following rules are now in effect:

Sickness

Absolutely no excuse. We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof, as we believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Leave for an Operation

We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation, as we believe that as long as you are an employee here you will need everything you have, and nothing should be removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make your worth less that we bargained for.

Accidents

Our safety programs and company policy preclude any lost time for accidents. First aid in most instances will be treated during normal breaks. Application of splints, hemorrhage and artificial repsiration may be done at a later point, workload permitting.

Death (Other than your own)

This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them and there is always someone else with a lesser position who can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held later in afternoon, we will be glad to let you off one hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

Death (Your Own)

This will be accepted as an excuse, but 2 weeks notice is required as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.

Restroom Privileges

From Monday, a new system will be in place. Far too much time is spent in the toilets. In the future we shall work alphabetically. Those with names beginning with A will go from 8:00 to 8:15, B will go from 8:15 to 8:30 and so on. If you are unable or unwilling to go at the current time, it will be necessary for you to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.

Finally, a message from your Employer:

If, even after the above safety measures, you decide to ask me for the day off, consider the following:

There are 365 days in the year, you sleep eight hours a day, making 122 days. Subtracting this makes 243 days. You also have 8 hours recreation a day, making another 122 days, leaving a balance of 121 days. There are 52 Sundays which you do not work at all, which leaves 69 days. You get Saturday afternoon off, this gives 52 halfdays or 26 more days that you do not work. This leaves a balance of 43 days. You get an hour off for lunch, which when totalled equals 16 days, leaving 27 days in the year. You get at least 21 days paid leave every year, which leaves 6 days. Finally, you get 5 legal holidays a year, which leaves only one day.

AND I'LL BE DAMMED IF I'LL GIVE YOU THAT ONE DAY OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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