Bird Jokes - Jamster

1) A couple are celebrating their first wedding anniversary, and the man walks into the living room with a blanket draped over a cage. He gives it to the woman, who takes it off to reveal a parrot.
While she is talking to it, the doorbell goes, and the wife shouts:
"Who is it?"
"It's the Milkman!"
The husband rushes to the door and collects their 2 pints of milk, meanwhile to woman prepares her present.
After putting the milk in the fridge, the husband opens his card, and out fall two cruise tickets!
They pack for the weekend and go out, leaving enough food for the parrot to survive.

The next day, the milkman rings the doorbell. The parrot, startled by this noise falls off his perch. He stood up and shouted out, remembering what his mistress had taught him.
"Who is it?" he screeches.
"It's the Milkman."
"Who is it?" The parrot repeats, enjoying the attention from this mysterious voice.
"It's the Milkman!"
"Who is it?"
"IT'S THE MILKMAN!!" The milkman shouts, and then suddenly, he collapses. A blood vessel had burst, and his heart was blocked.

The couple return home to find the milkman lying on the floor, the wife shrieks, and asks, "Who is it?"
The parrot replies, "It's the Milkman.



2) A priest is entertaining a group of ladies from the Sunday Service at his home, and he shows them a parrot in its cage.
The Priest tells them that the parrot is very religious, and that, if you were to pull his right leg, he would sing the chorus of All things bright and beautiful.
If you pulled his left leg, the pious bird would sing I the Lord of Sea and Sky.
A woman asks, "What happens if you pull both legs at once?"
Before the priest can answer, the parrot shouts:
"I fall off my darn perch, that's what!"(can I say bloody?)



3) Flying above the Atlantic Ocean, another man is sitting on a plane, next to a parrot in a bird cage. As the drinks trolley passes down the Isle, he begins to politely ask for a drink of Orange juice. Before he can finish, the parrot rudely interrupts, "Oi, Fatty, get me a Drink. NOW!" The Hostess runs back across the plane to get the parrot a tray of water.

Later on, meals are being served, the man tries to ask for a hamburger, when the parrot squawks at the hostess again, "Hey, Get me Some Seed before I peck your brains out!" And again, the hostess runs off to get the parrot a tray of birdseed, leaving the man hungry.

Still above the Ocean, the plane Experiences some turbulence, and the man desperately asks for a sick bag. However, again the parrot shrieks at the hostess; "I NEED MY SLEEP, KEEP IT DOWN WON'T YOU, FATTY?"
At this point, the man has had enough, he himself shouts at the Hostess.
"Now listen, Missy. I've had no drinks, NO FOOD, AND NOW I'M FEELING SICK, AND YOU'RE TAKING ORDERS FROM A PARROT! I'VE HAD ENOUGH "
He is cut short by Security, who take him, and the parrot out of their seats, and throw the out the plane.

Plummeting to his doom, he sees the parrot fly down to meet him.
"You're pretty cocky for someone who can't fly..." and the Parrot flies off.

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Riddles with a Difference - Jamtoast2

Excuse me, could you stop staring at me? Sure I'm big, and my colors change often, but that's no excuse to keep giving me commands with that box of yours. And there's no need to leave me waiting all day to be used, you should try saving money. What am I?

Answer: A television


* Cough, Cough * Enough of all these fumes your giving me. The sun is enough. Why does everyone need to keep taking up all my space? Everything fired at me is always making a huge noise, so that should be improved. I may be the limit, but I won't take this much. What am I?

Answer: The sky

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Parrot Talk - Mrcsupertrain

One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot.

He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, ‘‘That parrot repeats everything he hears.''

The man laughs and replies “That's alright,''

So the man bought the parrot and let the parrot sit on his shoulder.

As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber.

The cop hollered to his partner, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''

Then the parrot said, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''

The man laughs and they keep walking.

As they kept walking, they found two guys who were trying to pull up a teenage boy who fell down a well.

One man said, ''Pull him up, pull him up!''

The parrot said, ''Pull him up, pull him up!''

The man laughs and they keep walking.

As they kept on walking, they walk by a carnival and stop to take at the carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''

The parrot said, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''

The man laughs and they keep walking.

They kept walking; they walked by a church and noticed a mass was starting. They decide to attend the mass. So they walk into church, and sat down.

The minister was in the middle of the sermon.

He said, ''The Lord is above us.''

The parrot said, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''

The minister said, ''The devil is below us.''

The parrot said, ''Pull him up, Pull him up.''

Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit a fat lady behind him.

The parrot said,'' Hit a big one, win a prize!''

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Valentines Day Jokes - Gillis

Worst things to say on a first date.
I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem ... but the last couple of weeks I've gotten it under control.
I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ... but could I borrow five hundred dollars?
Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa today.
Something tells me that you're very special ... but with medication I can usually ignore it.
I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice."
Do you want to play doctor? That'll be five hundred dollars.
Wait till my wife hears about this!
I had a good time tonight. I'd love to see you again in six to eight months with good behavior.


Valentines Day One-Liners
(Highlight the text in parenthesis for the answer!)
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? (Hog and kisses!)
What would you get it you crossed Odie with the God of love? (A stupid cupid!)
Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? (It was Valenswine's Day!)
Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? (Sure, they're very scent-imental!)
What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? ("I'm sweet on you!")
What did the paper clip say to the magnet? ("I find you very attractive.")
What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day? (A hug and a quiche!)
What would you call a woman who goes out with Jon? (Desperate!)
What did one pickle say to the other? ("You mean a great dill to me.")
What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? ("I love you a ton!")
What did the bat say to his girlfriend? ("You're fun to hang around with.")
Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? (He fell in love with a pincushion!)
What did the pencil say to the paper? ("I dot my i's on you!")
Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? (She didn't suit his taste!)
Why do valentines have hearts on them? (Because spleens would look pretty gross!)
Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart? (Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small!)
Why should you send your sweetie a valentine? (Because you always heart the one you love!)
What did one light bulb say to the other? ("I love you a whole watt!")

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!

Liz: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."
Jon: "Really?"
Liz: "Yeah, you make me sick!"

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard you like a great big kiss?


Dating Dictionary
Note: Some content may be innapropriate for younger readers.
DATING:
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY:
A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT:
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND:
A member of the opposite sex who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE
A woman's feeling toward a man that is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT:
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC:
A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

SOBER
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION:
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT:
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY:
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.


Misinterpretations of Valentines Day!
Ancient Times: The beginnings of the holiday started with a dissident tribe of pagans, later identified as a band of Republican Presidential Candidates. At that time Hallmark cards were not able to use the modern techniques of printing such as inkjets and lasers. Instead the company used the blood of goats of dogs as primitive forms of ink. To keep the locals unsuspicious of their capitalistic exploitation of the holiday they presented the dead animals as a sacrifice to Lupercalia. Also the origins of dominatrix and sadomasochism are seen at this time when young men would use the hides to whip the infertile women of the town asking them "Who's yo' daddy?"

Christianity: Now, let the pagans have their uncivilized fun and festivals, and who has to come along and ruin it? First, it was PETA blowing the whistle on animal cruelty. Then it was the early Roman Catholic Church, who was jealous that the most exciting holiday on their calendar was forty days of giving something up. So, they adopted the holiday to have wild parties. They gave the holiday the new name of St. Valentine's Day. Saint Valentint performed secret marriages and was known in certain Bishops' circles as a master of Kama Sutra. Later, he was sentenced to death for some oppressive reason. Before his death he sent his lover a WallMart Dilbert Card ($2.85) signed "Your Valentine."

Medieval: In medieval Europe, the people believed that the 14th of February was the day that birds selected their mates. Hence the term "lovebirds." Wow, they sure were clever. They couldn't figure out how to cook meat, but they had time to think up witty phrases like, lovebirds. The first card was officially sent at this time, a Hallmark fold out, ($3.50) from a prisoner in France. The card was actually a cryptic message plotting his escape. Unfortunately, the wife was flattered by the message of love and ignored the plan. Later her husband was beheaded.

Victorian: Everything was mass-produced, and materialism killed the spirit of the holiday. Oh the joys of the Industrial Revolution. It turned the world into faceless masses, inspiring Ayn Rand novels, and in turn inspiring lots of college kids not to pursue a major in English.

Modern: Today children and lovers celebrate the holiday together. Children give candy hearts either for the sugar high or a peck on the cheek behind Mrs. Weidlemeyer's classroom. On the other hand, lovers exchange chocolate hearts. They become disillusioned, thinking that on that night, instead of performing the act of sex, they will delve into the art of making love. Lovers fill every restaurant in town, leaving singles to make reservations even at the drive-thru line at McDonalds.

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Blonde Joke - Prashanna

Three friends, Tony, Brian, and a blonde named Jennifer, committed a crime and were being chased by the police. There was a farm nearby, so the criminals ran in to hide. Tony goes and hides with the cows. He says "Moo, moo," and the police come over and say, "No one's here." They move on to the chickens and Brian was hiding there. He says, "Bok, Bok," and the police say, "No one's here," and move on. They go to a silo of bags of potatoes where Jennifer is hidden. She says, "Pooo... taaaa...toe..."

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Panda - Goliath Gob

A panda bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "Give me some food" so he gives the panda the food. When the panda is done he pulls out a gun and shoots up the place. When the panda was about to go out the door, the bartender stops him and says, "Why'd you do that?" The panda replies "I'm a panda, that's what we do. Look me up in the dictionary." When the panda left the bartender looked up "panda" in the dictionary. He saw:
Panda: Eats shoots and leaves

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